Life Ain't A Game

Videogames exist in a strange universe. No matter how different two games may seem, you’ll always find common rules that link the two – like Forza 4 and Prince of Persia sharing a rewind function, for example. Now imagine if our world was governed by those rules. Would it be better? Or worse? In this feature I take a look at real life through a skewed lens, and ponder what it would be like to live in a world governed by the rules of the videogame.  

JOG ON, REAPER

Wounds would heal in moments

Usually seen in: RPGs

If all of us lived forever, the world would get overcrowded pretty quickly and, if we’re honest, life would be a lot less fun. But on the other hand, death sucks, which is why waging a one-man war is so much easier in a videogame. Axe in the face? No problem. Bullet in the groin? Just wait a second or two and you’ll be back on your feet, ready to get on with hacking people up. Of course, it wouldn’t just apply to pitched battle – not even cars or trains or angry tigers would be able to stop you… This one is a definite thumbs-up; I mean, given the choice between eternal rest or a nasty scar and the chance to carry on a bit longer, I know what I’d choose.

TRIAL & ERROR

Stupid actions would have no real consequences

Usually seen in: Most games, especially used in RPGs

It’s Saturday night and you’re all fired up on a combination of shandy and deodorant advert propaganda. You sidle up to the nearest gaggle of viper-tongued females and prepare to lay down a rap so smooth it’ll make honey-coated glass look rough. However, disaster strikes! You’re not sure whether it was a problem with your delivery or simply that women lack the sense of humour to appreciate boob jokes, but for some reason you’ve just taken one hell of an open palm across the face. Luckily, you “saved” the night to a fresh file before that ninth drink, so simply reload and try a blond joke instead. Everyone loves blond jokes.

NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY

Anyone could be a hero

Usually seen in: First Person Shooters

As a general rule, the average person isn’t likely to have had combat training. There aren’t many shelf-stackers out there who could covertly infiltrate a military compound. In this world, however, even your local librarian would be able to pick up a gun and use it with SAS precision, negotiate cover like a Navy Seal or navigate a battlefield like Arnie in Commando. If geek champion Gordon Freeman can do it, anyone can.

BARREL-EL WORLD

You’d find unlikely loot in unlikely places

Usually seen in: RPGs

“Fancy nipping down the car-boot?” your missus asks one Sunday morning. “Nah,” you reply. “Someone’s left four barrels and a crate outside. Let’s just smash the shit out of them and see what’s inside.” An exercise which, to your dismay, yields a pair of callipers, a wooden spoon, two paintbrushes and a pewter cup. “Anything useful?” she asks, to which you shake your head. “Oh,’ she says, “then what’s the point of breaking them open?” Quite.

GOVERNMENT-SPONSORED NINJAS

Ninjas would be analogous to superspies

Usually seen in: Eastern-developed action games

Forget Anti-Terrorism Units and tactical incursions, if any villain so much as thinks about laughing maniacally, the “World Government” will contact their Ninja Branch. These highly-trained killing machines will then proceed to beat seven shades of stylised shit out of everyone, before leaping from the roof of an exploding building onto the rotor of an exploding helicopter, then back-flipping onto the exploding saddle of an exploding motorcycle and riding it down the throat of a giant, mutated, exploding worm monster. Possibly.

HEALTH FOOD

Snacks would heal wounds

Usually seen in: Adventure games and crime sims

It’s been an eventful day so far. You’ve been shot, stabbed, beaten and blown up, you’ve leapt from a plummeting plane to smash through the glass ceiling of an indoor swimming pool, you’ve been run over by at least three cars and jumped out of two during high-speed chases with the police. So it’s probably a good idea to drag your bleeding, broken body to the nearest hospital, right? Wrong. Better to sample the Ambrosia-like healing properties of your local Quik-E-Burger instead. Nothing heals multiple exit wounds like a side order of curly fries.

DO THIS, DO THAT

No one would do anything without a favour first

Usually seen in: RPGs

All you want is a new bulb for the sidelight on your Cortina. However, when you ask the guy behind the counter in the auto parts shop he tells you he’s got one, but will only give it to you if you deliver a letter to his fiancée on the other side of town first. “Can’t you just ring her?” you wail. “Or go yourself?” “No,” he says, “it must be you, for you are the Chosen One.” Begrudgingly, you take said missive – only to find that his wife has been kidnapped by a rival auto-dealer who offers you the bulb for half the price if you convince the woman to marry him instead. “FFS!” you cry. “All I want is a freakin’ light bulb!”

DEAD & GONE

Bodies would conveniently disappear

Usually seen in: First Person Shooters

Corpses, eh? Don’t they just get in the way? They block doors, create squidgy speed-humps and generally stink the place up. In a world governed by the videogame rule-set, those pesky cadavers would simply fade from existence in a matter of minutes, facilitating a cleaner, healthier environment and eliminating such annoyances as “funeral costs” or “physical evidence”. Handy.

HERE ONE MINUTE…

Travel would be instant

Usually seen in: Adventure / RPGs

Imagine how much fun instant travel would be, even if it’s that false instant travel that makes time pass in the background like in a Bethesda game. Even so, whether it’s done this way or in a more immediate Jumper-stylee, Thomas Cooke would be a tad pissed off. Still, to lose two days and find yourself on the other side of the world just sounds like a good stag-do to me.

SPECIAL AID

You’d find a handy first-aid kit anywhere

Usually seen in: Survival Horrors

You’ve just fought off a horde of zombies/aliens/Martian moon-demons and escaped with barely an ounce of your life. You’ve got teeth and claw marks on your legs, arms, neck and chest. You’re suffering broken bones and lacerations, sprains, gashes and crippling exhaustion. You’re done for – it’s just a matter of time before you start spouting “Tell my mama I loved her” – but wait! There, on the shelf in the corner: a travel-sized first aid kit, handily ignored by everyone else who’s come through this way. And unlike a normal first aid kit, this one not only contains plasters, eyewash and a little pot of Sudacrem, but apparently an entire field surgery kit complete with bandages, painkillers, antibiotics, splints, slings and some magical fairy dust that will heal all your wounds within about thirty seconds. Lucky you found that, really.

FEMME FATALES NEED ONLY APPLY

Female authority figures would all be sex symbols

Usually seen in: Action games

There’s an outbreak of full-on Nasty in the city; extreme terrorist organisations are destroying everything in their path to world domination. When the CIA steps in with its best, most highly trained field agent, you’d expect a grizzled veteran in a conservative suit with decades of experience… What you actually get, however, is a six foot blonde dressed in twelve-inch heels, elbow-length gloves and a black PVC vest barely able to contain her enormous bust, armed with two giant hand-cannons the size of breeze blocks. Bet that will inspire confidence in the panicking masses.

IS THAT A HOCKEY STICK IN YOUR POCKET OR…? OH, IT IS…

Pockets would be bottomless

Usually seen in: Adventure games

It’s always the way when you nip into Tesco. You think, “I don’t need a basket – I’m only after a loaf of bread.” Yeah, right. Fifteen minutes later you’re staggering around under the weight of two loaves, a multipack of crisps, four pints of milk, a week’s worth of ready-meals and a King-Size Pot Noodle because they’re on offer. If only you were in a Point-n-Click adventure, then you’d be able to fit it all in your back pocket and still have room for a stepladder, a bucket, a rubber chicken and about twenty other random items you haven’t found a use for yet.

ROAST BEEF FOREVER

Wildlife would “respawn”

Usually seen in: RPGs

You know those adverts where the big conglomerates promise to plant three trees for every one they cause to be felled? Well, in this world, animals are easily replaced, too. You can decimate an entire herd of wildebeest in an afternoon for whatever insane, postal-worker reason you might have and, happily, when you return later that evening you’ll find that the wildebeest have repopulated the barren plain in a matter of hours, ready to be completely obliterated all over again. Who needs conservationism?

PAUSE FOR THOUGHT

You’d be able to pause events at any time

Usually seen in: Everything (except Dark freaking Souls)

Against your better judgement you agree to demonstrate your Cossack dance party trick in the middle of the pub, just as the biggest, hardest, most tattooed-up nutter in the building knuckles by. Ankles connect, Kong hits the sawdust, and the next thing you know there’s a shovel-sized hand around your scrawny throat. Just as your life minus the best bits flashes before your watery eyes you hit PAUSE. Even if you can’t wriggle out of the granite grip, you can at least calm yourself down, dry your eyes and prepare to die like a man.




Which brings me to the end of Part One. Feel free to comment on anything you've read, and there'll be a second part to follow shortly. Until then, happy gaming!